try begging
In the morning, Ellie had played in the sand, riding ponies and making sand castles.
After lunch, shehad dozed off and soon fell into a deep sleep.The rhythmic sound of the waves and the child's soft breathing in the cool shade of the beachpavilion brought a deep sense of calm to Grace.
She leaned back on a sunbed and gazed out at thetranquil sea.Though it was calm here, storms had raged across the sea for two months.
During that time, therehad been no word from the man.Staring at the horizon, as if contemplating the unseen hell and the man, Grace took out the old diaryfrom her bag.
It had been in the parcel sent under Campbell's name a week after the obituary.The parcel had claimed to contain the man's belongings, suggesting it was sent as a simple gestureof organizing his possessions.
However, Grace had a strong intuition that there was more to it thanthat.As she read through the diary, she was astonished.
[Jimmy is really kind. A little shit.]
The man had written in Grace's diary, adding his own comments in various places and frequentlycrossing out or tearing up parts about Jimmy.
"This madman..."
She felt a mix of embarrassment and amusement at the thought that the man had scrutinized herchildish moments so closely.
However, she could no longer laugh at the end of her diary. After the last entry before Winston'sinfiltration, there were several years' worth of the man's own diary entries.
The entries were short, never exceeding three lines, and always neatly written, just as the man'shandwriting had always been.He appeared composed and perfect on the surface, but the true feelings of anxiety and imperfectionwere hidden between the lines.
Grace reread the entries, feeling a profound shift within herself.
Had she found perverse pleasure inhis suffering years ago?
No longer.
She felt a deep sense of change in herself, akin to the man.She couldn't tear her eyes away from the final diary entry.
"Winston doesn't need you."
She had previously misunderstood this as a grudge written in response to her refusal to join him orreturn. But as she mulled it over for the past two months, a sense of unease grew.
The man could nothave been unaware of what 'Winston' implied.Her gaze dropped to the continuing diary entries.
"When I was young, my father told me this:Every human is a pawn in someone else's chess game. The only difference is whether you become apawn or a queen."
So, at the very least, I had to be a knight.
Then what were you to me?
After reflecting on the grueling game of chess, I understand now.
You were my queen.
I thought it meant the most powerful piece on the board.You could go anywhere. You were so good at escaping.
Every time I read the reasons given, I couldn't help but smile.
But now, you're no longer a chess piece. With no value as a tool, you're simply a purpose to me.
I wanted you to become worthless, even if it meant that my meticulously crafted world wouldn't align.
Only you were free from that discomfort.You were the only exception in my rigid life.
So, what was I to you?
I stared at his question and then shifted my gaze upwards. The long gaps between the ends of hislast two diaries seemed as if he expected me to fill in the answer here.
"You don't need me anymore."
This wasn't resentment. It was a question.I understand now why you were playing these games.
You needed to escape.
You needed to survive.
After living under constant pressure, it took me quitesome time to realize that nothing is chasing me here.The past, the present, and even you.
Nothing is pursuing me anymore.
For the first time, I had the luxury of thinking without pressure. I found myself lost in thoughtsabout myself and about you.Only after being tricked by your games did I realize.You wanted me to examine our relationship freely, without any pressure.
It's annoying, but it's too late. I've already crossed the line and reached the destination you wanted.I understood your tricks only after being dragged to where you intended.
I smiled as I opened the cap of my fountain pen. Glancing at the peacefully sleeping child besideme and the calm sea, I calmly wrote down the answers I had discovered over the past two months,alone and without you.
My life here without you feels complete. It should feel complete, but it feels empty.
I am physically comfortable, but emotionally unsettled. Because you are not here.It's ironic that theonly one who truly made me feel comfortable was you.
To long for you, a devil, from heaven. It's truly ridiculous.Recalling your words about me being a purpose rather than a means, I remembered the letter mymother left me.
She advised me to find a man who would see me as a purpose, not just as a means.Actually, as soon as I remembered it, I couldn't help but laugh a little.I thought of you when I recalled my mother's words.
She might faint if she knew.Even though you are far from what my mother imagined as the right answer, you are not entirelywrong.I had felt for a long time that you viewed me not merely as a means but as a purpose.
AfterBlackburn, even though my role as a stepping stone for your revenge and advancement was over,you continued to pursue me with all your might.Confessing now, it was actually nice.
Looking back, I did things that were uncharacteristic of someone trying to escape from you. I wouldtrack down all your articles under the pretext of monitoring enemy movements and spent my daysthinking about you, having imaginary conversations with you.
Do you remember? I was so preoccupied with teasing you at Newport Harbor, even though I wasbusy trying to escape, that I almost got caught.
Even when I found satisfaction in seeing you agonize over the hopes or despairs I occasionallythrew as bait, there was a part of me that felt a bit of relief.
Isn't it funny? Want to hear an even funnier story?
You must have been sad.
I often called you a madman, but maybe I'm the one who's truly mad. To find value in my existencethrough you, of all people.Looking back, I thought about it.
From family to comrades. Everything I cherished throughout mylife no longer wants me, but you, whom I never cherished, still want me.
Why? It was hard to understand.I lived a life where I had to prove my worth to be loved. I was plagued by the fear of beingdiscarded if I became useless.
But the fact that someone who judges all humans solely based ontheir utility loves a useless me was beyond shocking.In truth, I was also afraid of Ellie's absolute love. I feared that if I betrayed the child's unwaveringfaith, Ellie might end up loving me conditionally, just like everyone else.
Recently, I realized something. The anxiety that had tormented me all my life has somehowdisappeared without me even noticing.
Because you're here now.Knowing that, no matter what happens, you will always love me unconditionally.
"You don't need me."
Yes, I don't need it.
Everything that the name Winston represents is unnecessary to me. Even youare not needed.
Yet I want you.To me, you are now a purpose, not a means.
So what was I to you?You were a pawn.
I always charge forward in only one direction.A pawn that reaches the end of the chessboard can become anything.
From now on, what youbecome in my life is up to your choice.
Waiting for the devil in heaven,
Grace
P.S. Come back.
Don't make me say it twice. And when you do come, don't forget my ring.
Grace sent the letter to that man across the sea.
On the same day, the monarchy fell. The kingdom became a republic. The class system that hadlasted for centuries finally disappeared into the annals of history.
The so-called 'revolutionary army' led by the commoners achieved the revolution that the royalistshad dreamed of for a century within just two months.
Grace couldn't help but smile at the irony of it all.
[I'm also preparing your gift. The one you've always wished for.]
Fool.
Did I ever truly want the revolution? Using my excuse for your revenge, knowing everything.
Come soon.
If you come immediately, I'll let you off with just one slap.
The Rochester royal family was placed under house arrest. They attempted to seek asylum in thequeen's home country, but with local sentiment against them, it failed, and the deposed king diedunder mysterious circumstances.
Similarly, the duke, also under house arrest, faced asset seizure and imprisonment. He ended his lifeby putting a gun to his mouth and pulling the trigger.
Thus, the circus commanded by Leon Winston came to an end. No, it would be more accurate to sayit was completely incinerated.Even though there was no longer a stage for him to direct from behind the black curtain, that mandid not return.
------
"Isn't this pretty too!"
Today, Ellie was once again collecting coral and seashells while strolling along the beach.
"How about this one?"
When Grace picked up a piece of pristine white coral that had washed ashore, Ellie shook her headfirmly.
"No, this one's slightly broken."
"It's broken."
It had been 110 days since Ellie had been separated from her father, and the gradual deterioration inher pronunciation revealed the absence of that man. Grace tried to leave traces of him for Ellie, butit was beyond her capacity.
"Ellie, we're going to the carnival!"
Benny appeared on the way back to the mansion, shouting.
Grace washed the sand from Ellie'shands and combed her hair, which was tangled from the sea breeze, and gave her instructions.
"Have fun. Don't wander off by yourself, and don't follow strangers."
Three or four times a week, just before sunset, Jo and Martha took the children to the carnival at theend of the beach.
"Mom, are you not coming today?"
"Mom will collect more pretty things."
"Okay!"
Grace watched Ellie's retreating figure as she ran after Benny towards the mansion and then headedfor the pavilion.
When she went to the carnival, she couldn't help but think about that man all the time. Shewondered if he might suddenly appear holding a candy apple.
Such foolish and childish thoughtsleft her feeling unhappy at the carnival where everyone else was joyful. That's why she hadn't gonefor a month.
Whether he hadn't come despite receiving the message or had never received it, Grace wasconvinced that if she gave him the answer he was waiting for, he would return immediately.
Maybe not coming right away is part of his game.He's a man who enjoys giving hope only to then provide despair, as much as he enjoys givingdespair only to then offer hope.
Not to mention he loves dramatic psychological games more thananyone else.This is your psychological game with me.
So you're still alive.Grace placed a small bucket next to the lounge chair. Inside were the corals and seashells Elliecollected, intending to give them as a gift when her father returned.
Ellie believed her father would definitely come back. It seemed more like a belief with a basisrather than just a vague hope, so Grace asked her one day.
"Ellie, what did Dad whisper to you on the boat?"
"Hm? He said it was a secret."
From Ellie's smile, Grace had a strong intuition. That man had promised to return to the child.
No matter how smart she was, a child is still a child. It was clear she easily fell for leadingquestions.
"Ellie, when did Dad say he would come back?"
"Before summer ends."
When exactly is the end of summer?
Grace thought it would be the last day of August. They had first met at Abington Beach in August,so she was certain he would come before August ended.
But as the early days of September passed, he still hadn't returned.