try begging

The train station, where the departure time of the first train was approaching, was quite crowded, unlike the streets. Grace, who had entered blankly, headed to the ticket booth when she noticed the clock on the wall. Her steps should have been lighter since she had less luggage, but they were just heavy.

She bought a third-class ticket to Newport, where the ferry was leaving. She headed straight for the platform, but stopped in front of a telephone booth.

Should I tell him to come in since he's in front of the door?

He might catch a cold after being in the cold for so long. Maybe the employees wouldn't open the letter he sent to the man, so they'd think he was an abandoned orphan and send him to an orphanage. No, maybe a thief passing by would steal the child... .

I sighed deeply and turned my head away, imagining all sorts of ominous and absurd things. The man would take care of it. From the moment I left the child, it was no longer Grace's.

No. That child was never mine to begin with.

I gritted my teeth and told myself that it was none of my business, but I walked with my head down like a guilty person. When I reached the platform and looked up, the train to Newport was already waiting. There were ten minutes left until departure.

Grace walked to the third-class carriage and stopped in front of the wide-open door without realizing it. Her hands absentmindedly fiddled with the pad in her pocket.

"oh!"

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Oh, no."

Then, eventually, she was swept away by the crowd and staggered. Her face turned red from the sight of her so pitiful. Only then did Grace run away and board the train.

Unlike first or second class, the third class car had no separate rooms, and passengers were already occupying their seats here and there. Grace pushed her luggage under the seat closest to the door and sat down in the window seat.

I sat on the hard chair and thought back on my plans from now on. I had a feeling that even if I started a new life, I would never have or raise a child again. It was a time when I was mentally practicing the strategy of passing through the immigration office while pulling my hands out of my pockets.

"Ababa-."

When Grace heard the baby's voice, she habitually turned her head toward the source of the sound. A young couple was coming in through the door behind them. The woman was holding a baby in her arms.

In the meantime, the train had become quite crowded, so the couple couldn't go far and sat down across from Grace.

"Good morning."

"Yes, good morning."

Her gaze, which was forced to raise the corners of her lips, did not leave the baby.

"Dorothy, you should say hello too. Good morning."

The woman held the baby's hand and shook it as if greeting him.

"...Hello, Dorothy. You're so pretty."

The child who looked at her with puzzled eyes appeared to be around the same age as Grace's daughter.

No. My daughter developed much faster, so she was probably around 7 or 8 months old.

The man sitting next to him took an apple out of his bag and handed it to his wife. The baby kept trying to snatch it away, flailing her little hands and whining.

My daughter often does cute things like that.

As that thought suddenly occurred to her, Grace's heart sank.

My daughter... .

What are you talking about? I don't have a daughter. Grace gritted her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut. But she couldn't block her ears.

"Ab-."

The unfamiliar baby's incessant babbling gradually transformed into a familiar voice in her head.

"Father-."

It was only a few hours ago. I had finally fallen asleep after tossing and turning all night. When I heard someone calling me, I opened my eyes and saw the child standing there, holding onto the railing of the crib, in the dim streetlight shining through the curtains. It was the first time I had ever stood up on my own.

"Phew-."

The baby didn't know the word "Mama." So when she wanted to call her, she would make a round mouth smaller than a cherry and make a clumsy "Poo-oo" sound. When she made bubbles with her mouth and burst them, Grace would come running and wipe her mouth. She was a smart child who already knew that, unless she cried out loud, that was the sound that got the most attention.

"Whoa!"

When their eyes met, the child screamed and smiled brightly, revealing two rabbit-like lower teeth.

Normally, she would have gotten up and hugged me, but this morning she didn't. Even though I had done the great thing of getting up on my own, Grace just lay there in bed, dead, asking me cruel questions.

"... Do you like me?"

You're the only one I can rely on. At least for now. That's why it's like that. You don't like me. So...

"Don't like it."

You will forget me now. You will have a father who is much richer and stronger than me. You will soon forget me, a penniless person with no love, no power, and no home.

This child not only resembled my father in appearance and personality, but he also had a lot of traits that were bothering Grace.

I find you annoying like that guy.

Grace had to feel the burden and guilt she felt every time the man showed his feelings for her, but she felt it in the baby.

Even though I was thinking about abandoning you, you dug into my arms like they were the most comfortable place in the world. So I knew how much you were a burden to me.

I thought that when you were gone, that burdensome feeling would disappear too.

The baby's face kept flickering and twitching under her tightly shut eyelids. Grace clenched her teeth even harder.

How I hated the soft touch of those chubby, pink cheeks. I hated the warm, sunshine-like smell of a baby, and the bright, smiling face, and the ugly, distorted face from crying. Do you know how painful the warmth, the comfort, I felt when I held you in my arms?

So I'm not going back to you. Never.

I'm going to live my life. I'm going to live my life.

It was a time when I was quietly repeating this to myself with my mouth clenched.

Beep-.

A whistle blew on the platform. People started rushing into the train, and soon the doors started slamming shut.

"Eww!"

It was at that moment that the baby sitting across from me burst into tears in surprise at the loud noise.

"Black...."

Grace also burst into tears like a child. She opened her eyes wide, but tears blocked her vision and she couldn't see anything.

Really, there was nothing to see anymore.

Grace quickly got up, roughly pulled out her bag from under the seat, and pushed past the people in the aisle as she headed for the door.

The train departed just as she was about to open the door wide and jump onto the platform. People must have been looking at her like she was crazy, but she didn't care. Grace ran frantically through the crowd that filled the platform.

Beep-.

A long whistle blew, and a black locomotive came into the station, belching steam from the platform opposite. Grace was already outside the station when the night train from the south stopped.

"Please go to Count Winston's town house quickly, quickly."

She hailed a taxi and shouted. The driver kept glancing at her as he drove, but Grace just stared straight ahead with tears streaming down her eyes.

"Hurry up, hurry up."

She kept urging the article on, her body moving nervously, but her reason scolded her.

Grace, you need to leave your past behind and live your life.

What on earth is my life?

Grace now asked the most important question.

Whatever it was, it was clear that I couldn't live my life fully with only memories of that child, memories alone.

She sobbed and ground her teeth.

Leon Winston, you fucking son of a bitch. I hope you get what you want.

If that was your intention, you succeeded brilliantly. You're a genius. You didn't let me leave your traces until the very end.

Grace sobbed, wiping away the tears that were blocking her eyes with her sleeve.

If it was going to be like this, I should have given it to you a long time ago. Why did I keep it until now? I shouldn't have known about this.

The baby was so fussy, but he had such a big smile. Every time he would scream out loud and burst into laughter, Grace would make a harsh sound.

Don't laugh. I don't like you. I can't like you because you resemble that guy.

In fact, the child just laughed along with Grace. Even though she vaguely knew it, she tried to lie to herself and blamed the child, denying it.

Why is it that the word "pretty" comes easily to other people's babies, but it doesn't come to you so easily? I've never properly said "pretty" to a child who is more lovable than any other baby in the world. And even after half a year since birth, the child didn't have a name.

Tears began to flow again.

************************************************** ***

The train station, where the departure time of the first train was approaching, was quite crowded, unlike the streets. Grace, who had entered blankly, headed to the ticket booth when she noticed the clock on the wall. Her steps should have been lighter since she had less luggage, but they were just heavy.

She bought a third-class ticket to Newport, where the ferry was leaving. She headed straight for the platform, but stopped in front of a telephone booth.

Should I tell him to come in since he's in front of the door?

He might catch a cold after being in the cold for so long. Maybe the employees wouldn't open the letter he sent to the man, so they'd think he was an abandoned orphan and send him to an orphanage. No, maybe a thief passing by would steal the child... .

I sighed deeply and turned my head away, imagining all sorts of ominous and absurd things. The man would take care of it. From the moment I left the child, it was no longer Grace's.

No. That child was never mine to begin with.

I gritted my teeth and told myself that it was none of my business, but I walked with my head down like a guilty person. When I reached the platform and looked up, the train to Newport was already waiting. There were ten minutes left until departure.

Grace walked to the third-class carriage and stopped in front of the wide-open door without realizing it. Her hands absentmindedly fiddled with the pad in her pocket.

"oh!"

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Oh, no."

Then, eventually, she was swept away by the crowd and staggered. Her face turned red from the sight of her so pitiful. Only then did Grace run away and board the train.

Unlike first or second class, the third class car had no separate rooms, and passengers were already occupying their seats here and there. Grace pushed her luggage under the seat closest to the door and sat down in the window seat.

I sat on the hard chair and thought back on my plans from now on. I had a feeling that even if I started a new life, I would never have or raise a child again. It was a time when I was mentally practicing the strategy of passing through the immigration office while pulling my hands out of my pockets.

"Ababa-."

When Grace heard the baby's voice, she habitually turned her head toward the source of the sound. A young couple was coming in through the door behind them. The woman was holding a baby in her arms.

In the meantime, the train had become quite crowded, so the couple couldn't go far and sat down across from Grace.

"Good morning."

"Yes, good morning."

Her gaze, which was forced to raise the corners of her lips, did not leave the baby.

"Dorothy, you should say hello too. Good morning."

The woman held the baby's hand and shook it as if greeting him.

"...Hello, Dorothy. You're so pretty."

The child who looked at her with puzzled eyes appeared to be around the same age as Grace's daughter.

No. My daughter developed much faster, so she was probably around 7 or 8 months old.

The man sitting next to him took an apple out of his bag and handed it to his wife. The baby kept trying to snatch it away, flailing her little hands and whining.

My daughter often does cute things like that.

As that thought suddenly occurred to her, Grace's heart sank.

My daughter... .

What are you talking about? I don't have a daughter. Grace gritted her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut. But she couldn't block her ears.

"Ab-."

The unfamiliar baby's incessant babbling gradually transformed into a familiar voice in her head.

"Father-."

It was only a few hours ago. I had finally fallen asleep after tossing and turning all night. When I heard someone calling me, I opened my eyes and saw the child standing there, holding onto the railing of the crib, in the dim streetlight shining through the curtains. It was the first time I had ever stood up on my own.

"Phew-."

The baby didn't know the word "Mama." So when she wanted to call her, she would make a round mouth smaller than a cherry and make a clumsy "Poo-oo" sound. When she made bubbles with her mouth and burst them, Grace would come running and wipe her mouth. She was a smart child who already knew that, unless she cried out loud, that was the sound that got the most attention.

"Whoa!"

When their eyes met, the child screamed and smiled brightly, revealing two rabbit-like lower teeth.

Normally, she would have gotten up and hugged me, but this morning she didn't. Even though I had done the great thing of getting up on my own, Grace just lay there in bed, dead, asking me cruel questions.

"... Do you like me?"

You're the only one I can rely on. At least for now. That's why it's like that. You don't like me. So...

"Don't like it."

You will forget me now. You will have a father who is much richer and stronger than me. You will soon forget me, a penniless person with no love, no power, and no home.

This child not only resembled my father in appearance and personality, but he also had a lot of traits that were bothering Grace.

I find you annoying like that guy.

Grace had to feel the burden and guilt she felt every time the man showed his feelings for her, but she felt it in the baby.

Even though I was thinking about abandoning you, you dug into my arms like they were the most comfortable place in the world. So I knew how much you were a burden to me.

I thought that when you were gone, that burdensome feeling would disappear too.

The baby's face kept flickering and twitching under her tightly shut eyelids. Grace clenched her teeth even harder.

How I hated the soft touch of those chubby, pink cheeks. I hated the warm, sunshine-like smell of a baby, and the bright, smiling face, and the ugly, distorted face from crying. Do you know how painful the warmth, the comfort, I felt when I held you in my arms?

So I'm not going back to you. Never.

I'm going to live my life. I'm going to live my life.

It was a time when I was quietly repeating this to myself with my mouth clenched.

Beep-.

A whistle blew on the platform. People started rushing into the train, and soon the doors started slamming shut.

"Eww!"

It was at that moment that the baby sitting across from me burst into tears in surprise at the loud noise.

"Black...."

Grace also burst into tears like a child. She opened her eyes wide, but tears blocked her vision and she couldn't see anything.

Really, there was nothing to see anymore.

Grace quickly got up, roughly pulled out her bag from under the seat, and pushed past the people in the aisle as she headed for the door.

The train departed just as she was about to open the door wide and jump onto the platform. People must have been looking at her like she was crazy, but she didn't care. Grace ran frantically through the crowd that filled the platform.

Beep-.

A long whistle blew, and a black locomotive came into the station, belching steam from the platform opposite. Grace was already outside the station when the night train from the south stopped.

"Please go to Count Winston's town house quickly, quickly."

She hailed a taxi and shouted. The driver kept glancing at her as he drove, but Grace just stared straight ahead with tears streaming down her eyes.

"Hurry up, hurry up."

She kept urging the article on, her body moving nervously, but her reason scolded her.

Grace, you need to leave your past behind and live your life.

What on earth is my life?

Grace now asked the most important question.

Whatever it was, it was clear that I couldn't live my life fully with only memories of that child, memories alone.

She sobbed and ground her teeth.

Leon Winston, you fucking son of a bitch. I hope you get what you want.

If that was your intention, you succeeded brilliantly. You're a genius. You didn't let me leave your traces until the very end.

Grace sobbed, wiping away the tears that were blocking her eyes with her sleeve.

If it was going to be like this, I should have given it to you a long time ago. Why did I keep it until now? I shouldn't have known about this.

The baby was so fussy, but he had such a big smile. Every time he would scream out loud and burst into laughter, Grace would make a harsh sound.

Don't laugh. I don't like you. I can't like you because you resemble that guy.

In fact, the child just laughed along with Grace. Even though she vaguely knew it, she tried to lie to herself and blamed the child, denying it.

Why is it that the word "pretty" comes easily to other people's babies, but it doesn't come to you so easily? I've never properly said "pretty" to a child who is more lovable than any other baby in the world. And even after half a year since birth, the child didn't have a name.

Tears began to flow again.

************************************************** ***