the experimental log of the crazy lich
Translator: StarveCleric Editor: StarveCleric
Legend had it that every transcender who broke through the boundaries of space and time would receive a gift from the world—yeah, it was commonly known as the Golden Ring [1] 1 , said to be a must-have for every transcender.
The Evil Lich System… that was my damned Golden Ring.
A long time ago, it didn’t go by this name. It had the beautiful name of ‘The Training System of a Holy Knight,’ but as soon as I gave up the identity of a Holy Knight and embarked on the path of dark magic, it ended up with its current name.
A long time ago, the daily quests it offered me were to help old grannies cross the road and help little girls find their lost kittens. Those were vastly different to the accursed missions I had been receiving recently.
“Let’s look at the daily quests today… it’s the damned choose one-of-two-options-type again. Destroy a town with a population of 30,000 people or above; reward: 10,000 evil points. Steal lollipops from 3 children; reward: 1 evil point. If neither of the quests is completed, then 2 points will be deducted.”
“Tsk! You think I’m stupid? If I really destroyed a town, a crusade of Epic-ranked Holy Knights would definitely come hunting me down. Even if I earned the points, there wouldn’t be any life left in me to spend them.”
As such, I casually snatched a lollipop from a passing tauren loli and watched as the crying girl was pulled away by her mother. I subsequently popped the lollipop into my mouth and grimaced as the clashing sound between the lollipop and my bones resounded in my ears. It was only then did I recall I had lost my sense of taste.
“Sigh, when can I experience the joy of eating delicious food again? Although mana can make me feel full, it doesn’t feel satisfying at all.”
Despite the mother’s attempt to pull her daughter away, the little girl seemed unwilling to give up. She stared at me with her large watery eyes, and hope seemed to bloom within her after noticing my inability to consume food.
Do you think this uncle lich is only pulling a prank? Do you think I will return the lollipop back to you?
Alright, so as to not betray the other party’s expectations… *kacha* *kacha* I bit the lollipop into many pieces before spitting them one by one onto the ground.
“Boohoo!! Mum, that weird uncle stole my candy!”
“Don’t look; let’s go.”
Just as I expected, a resounding cry pierced through the air. In that instant, my mood lifted as a memory of a certain fearless kid flashed through my mind.
“Are the undead not entitled to human rights? Ancient magic scrolls were treated like rough paper and vandalized, dragon blood ink was used as color paint, and an alchemy medicine, which had taken me so much trouble to make, was drunk as soda. Even my bones were secretly disassembled just for them to be reassembled again—it was like playing with a puzzle. I had only slept for two hours and yet my entire laboratory had turned into a wreck. The destructive power of kids is too scary…”
“Sigh, when can I have my revenge?” Thinking about those fearless rascals, especially a certain untamed kid, I uncontrollably ground my teeth in anger.
Suddenly, I heard a notice from the System.
[Ding! Congratulations on successfully driving the 100th young child to tears. Reward: 10 Evil Points—A loli that looks like she is 6 years old but is actually 20 years old is a legal loli?! An expired pseudo-loli is evil!]
Looking at my sudden accomplishment, I felt a surge of joy. The first accomplishment unlocked always warranted me 10 points, which was equivalent to the points I received from completing 10 days’ worth of daily quests.
“Following this train of thought, if making a hundred of them cry unlocks an accomplishment, then making a thousand of them cry should have one as well, and the reward will at least be multiplied by several folds…”
Thus, I turned my attention to the lolis and shotas on the street…
“Bah! Even if I did not receive a daily quest for it, making those disobedient kids learn how to follow rules and preventing others from suffering the same fate as I are the duties of a good person.”
“What should I play? Right, I can grant life! I shall turn the toys of those rascals into disgusting monsters that run about. In addition, I shall paint their lollipops the color of feces with my magic paint.”
As a frequent victim of those rascals, simply being reminded of my destroyed magic scrolls and precious classical books was able to provide me with an endless flow of evil ideas.
“No, no, that isn’t enough; how about I turn their pillow covers into magical beasts that eat humans? That will make them shiver whenever they see a pillow in the future. Right, there is also Evard’s Black Tentacles! I can make them enjoy a ticklish hell.”
“Oh, aren’t those rascals afraid of monsters and ghosts? Heehee, it is time to start rebuilding my undead army. Awaken, my Undead Calamity!!”
That was the day I finally learned that there were less than 200 kids living in that area…
Bringing about a few thousand skeletons, abominations and Dullahans on the street seemed to be an overkill…
That day, before the Town Security arrived on the scene to capture me, I had already visited every nook and cranny of the street. Even so, I had only managed to drive 160 of them to tears…
Moreover, after the Town Security members realized that the reason I summoned an army of undead was to exact vengeance on playful kids, their dumbfounded faces and despising looks became my new dark history.
[Congratulations on simultaneously receiving despising looks from a hundred females. You have received the special accomplishment ‘Did this kid’s brain get soaked in water or paste?’ and you have been awarded the noble title ‘Mentally Disabled Kid.’ After equipping this title, there is a fixed probability of receiving sympathy from females, but the females’ impression of the wearer as a male will be lowered by 100 points.]
… Anyway, I was already used to being played a fool by the System and my reputation was already at its worst. Given the System’s affirmation of my charisma evidenced by my -88 charm, it didn’t make much of a difference even if my luck with the opposite sex was reduced by 100 points—the ending would still the same; I would be unable to land myself a girlfriend.
Even though it was only a rational analysis, why did I feel as though my eyes were bleeding tears as these words came out of my mouth? Alright, I was a great wizard who had been single for 300 years, but at the very least, I had exacted my revenge against those rascals! [2] 2
As the memory of those wailing children surfaced, I laughed in satisfaction. An idea about what to write in my diary today hit me.
AD 1896, the summer of the Year of the Dragon, 6th March. The legend known as ‘The Lollipop Hunter Incident’ and ‘The Man-Eating Pillow Incident’ was destined to be forever carved in the memories of the rascals of Sulfur Mountain City.
“Thenceforth, the kids will remember the terror of that man’s dominance evermore… the shame of having one’s beloved items taken away, the despair of being eaten by one’s own toys, and the fear of being surrounded by the undead…
As I thought about what to write in my diary, the System Notice sounded out again.
[Ding! You have unlocked the accomplishment: Making a Hundred Kids Cry Within a Day! Reward: 10 Evil Points. Congratulations, you have been awarded the noble title ‘Bane of Kids.’ After equipping this title, lolis and shotas who are 12 years old and younger will naturally feel threatened by you. As a kind reminder, if you succeed in making 500 children cry in one go, you will be awarded the noble title of ‘Kids Killer,’ and if you succeed in making 1000 children cry…]
The System Notice suddenly stopped at this point. I was involuntarily overwhelmed with anticipation; although this was undeniably a spiteful title, it could be considered to be a blessing in disguise if it could grant me the power to keep those rascals away.
[…in one go, you will be awarded the noble title ‘To Argue With Kids At Your Age, Can’t You Be More Mature.’ Oh, you should thank me. Actually, this should be the title most befitting you at the moment.]
“Sh*t! I can’t tolerate this anymore! Darned System, this is all your fault! You are going down!!”
…
“Master, you got locked up in jail this time for stealing lollipops. Next time, will it be due to stealing a girl’s underwear? I really don’t want to come here to fetch a pervert.”
The one currently speaking was my loyal servant, the half-demon residing in my mansion, the silver-haired Elisa.
Gold-black framed spectacles, silver ponytails, tiger teeth, a purple tail with a butterfly knot at the end and a European maid costume. It perfectly showcased the little demon’s character and, at the same, exposed a certain lich’s interest…
All along, I was satisfied by Elisa’s outer appearance. However, she would truly be perfect if only she could change her personality, expressionless face, and venomous tongue.
“It’s not like you aren’t aware of my darned System. Getting points by just making a few little girls cry is what a good person should be doing.”
“Here!”
She passed a thick photo album to me.
“This… Oh, well done, Elisa! As expected of my loyal servant!”
“I can roughly guess what happened. These are the contact details of children attending Sulfur Mountain City’s largest kindergarten. I have carefully picked out the names on the list, and it should now be convenient for you to finish your quest.”
“Well done! To think that I was convinced you were looking forward to my death so that you can regain your freedom. I guess it was all a misunderstanding on my part. Good job; you are a good person as well.”
“Let me see!” Upon opening the list of contact details, however, my face turned bitter.
“Contact details for the three children of Sulfur City’s Holy Church Archbishop’s kindergarten, the daughter of Dragonslayer Amro, who just started going to kindergarten, and War God Xynso’s precious son—are you sure you’re trying to help me and not trying to send me to hell?!”
My anger, as usual, was disregarded by the other party. The half-demon young lady pushed her spectacle frame upwards as a cold gleam reflected off the lenses.
“The great reputation of the ‘Lollipop Hunter’ has already spread throughout the entire Sulfur Mountain City. I am criticized the moment I leave the mansion. For the sake of this lady’s [3] 3 reputation, I would really like to change my job. Or rather, Master, you should start paying the salary you owe me for the past ten years.”
“Hahaha, let’s not talk about money—it sours relationships, you know. Let’s go; I can’t wait to return to our warm home.”
“A gentleman should not engage in escapism, and please don’t change the topic—why are you making me run with you? What are you planning this time?”
“As expected of my little Elisa who has stayed by my side for so long. Today’s daily quest is a splendid explosion, you know—”
“I get it. Please hold on tight; I will now use my mana to escape!”
A silver go-anywhere door [4] 4 opened and both master and servant hurriedly entered. When the short-distance instantaneous movement magic dispersed, there were no longer traces of anyone in our surroundings. In the background, a large explosion suddenly resounded, which was closely followed with the ringing of fire alarms.
“Delayed bomb? I thought the Town Security seals the magic of their prisoners?”
“No, it only looks like a bomb, but it’s actually flour put together with chili powder and completed with a touch of dust—a dust bomb. It doesn’t have much power so it is insufficient to kill anyone. On top of that, I doubt they will be able to find concrete evidence against me.”
“As expected of the ‘wise’ lich. To think you would be able to create a bomb simply made of food ingredients even after having your magic sealed.”
“Thank you; your praise humbles me.”
“No one is praising you. Alright, as a lich, I guess this can be considered praise.”
What was a lich?
“Not a good person; the most fearsome of undead.” This image was probably what most people conjured upon hearing this word.
“The lump of bones that makes their hair stand on end; the frightening soul-fire burning in their eyes, emanating a feeling as though they are engaging in some malicious act.” This was the view of normal citizens.
“The ultimate incarnation of evil, the villainous schemer!” This was how the Church’s Holy Knights viewed them.
As an undead and the ultimate form of black mages, the liches, who had only bones remaining, often did not enjoy a good reputation, but…
“Slander! It is blatant discrimination! How can one be judged based on their race!? I have always thought that race, skin color, social stratification and all kinds of discrimination are simply human foolishness. The world only has lowly people who despise and discriminate others and there is no such ‘lowly’ race, skin color or birth. I really am a good person.”
“If a person such as yourself can be considered a good person, then what about the bloodthirsty undead living in the east of the city? Can they be considered saints, then?”
“I wouldn’t say they are saints; they are all just cold-faced, warm-hearted pacifists. Just look—the undead are thrifty with their rations and do not take up much space. A single grave can fit an entire family. They do not eat or drink, and they work passionately to complete their jobs. They contribute yet don’t demand luxury in return. They are all good people.”
The half-demon maid laughed. The restricted zone, which housed the rumor of having ‘no living person ever walk out of it alive,’ was actually viewed as a gathering place for good people by her master.
“Hoho! Master, you really know how to joke. Bloodthirsty undead are good people? What about the Priests of the Holy Church who are well-received by the people? They heal the citizens for free and even give out free meals every Sunday to feed those in poverty.”
“They are merely a bunch of hypocrites and pedophiles. You see, Elisa, humans have desires and needs. If one suppresses their desires too much, even if they aren’t pedophiles now, then they will turn into them when they are finally unable to suppress their desires any longer and it bursts. Although they say that desires are a sin, they are definitely perverted pedophiles underneath their outer demeanors. I mean, just look at how those old men act so chummy with those little boys—it would be weird to think that there is nothing wrong with them. Also, those single-celled organisms known as Holy Knights—they are a bunch of barbarians who threaten to kill me whenever they see me!”
“Fine, master, I get that your illness is acting up again. I guess even that Ancient Red Dragon, who lives in the sulfur mountains, is feared by all as the Disaster of Veron [5] 5 , and also destroyed a country by herself, is a docile and cute being in master’s eyes, huh.”
“No, no. Little Red hasn’t been paying much attention to her diet nowadays and is getting a little bit overweight. If she were to lose 20 to 30 tons and shed that extra fat to bring out the curves, she will be even cuter.”
“Then, what about the awe-inspiring and helpful Dark Elf Town Security who maintains the peace of the city? You should be quite close with them, right? Just counting these two months, I have been in and out of the prison five times just to fetch you.”
“…You can try asking those unlucky store owners who have been tyrannized by them. My views are the same as them. Tsk! A bunch of crazy bitches; our Freedom Gentleman Alliance are archenemies with them.”
Shaking her head in frustration, she ignored the suspicious-sounding organization that her master spoke of and continued her questioning.
“…Then what about our City Lord, who saved the world and had his name spread far and beyond? He raised the flag of equality and established this city in the chaotic Underground World, creating a land of peace for different races to coexist on a land constantly raved by war.”
“A severe chuunibyou [6] 6 patient who has been sick for a few hundred years. How old is he, to still be playing hero and slaying the demon king to save the world? Such an old-fashioned story. Serves him right to be single his entire life.”
“…You really dare to say it, huh. You messed with two of his weddings and now everyone’s saying that he is destined to remain single. Upon birth, he brings misfortune to his family. Going on an adventure, he brings misfortune to his brothers. With regards to marriage, he brings misfortune to his spouse. He has such great qualifications coupled with good looks, but because of you, not a single lady in Sulfur Mountain City is willing to accept his proposal now.”
“…It is not as though I did it intentionally. Does he have to hold the grudge for so long…”
“Not as though you did it intentionally? You did it purposely, didn’t you? Let’s not talk about how you made me spread the rumors about how he was cursed by heavens to remain single. At his wedding, you created an Undead Calamity, setting ghosts free to wander about. Do you know how many girls you frightened that night?”
“I was just celebrating his wedding for him. Seeing how that old bachelor was finally getting married, I was simply too happy and brought a few hundred ghosts to do the robot dance. Who knew that his wife-to-be would be so frightened that she peed on the spot.”
Despite rejecting her claims of it being an intentional act, I was secretly satisfied with my work. “Bah! Since I haven’t resurrected to possess a complete body yet, how can I allow him to enjoy a blissful sex life?”
“Master, do you know you have the habit of putting your hands on your hips and stomping your feet whenever you get excited? Look, your evil intentions are spilling out right now. Fine, let’s not talk about your ‘great results.’ What about your lich brethren in the Empire of Undead Xiluo? Those guys are on the wanted list in many countries and if any single one of them were to get out, the world will definitely be plunged into chaos.”
“… Actually, it is just a misunderstanding that everyone has against us. Isn’t the reason why we study the profound intricacies of the cycle of life and death just to allow everyone to have longer lives? Actually, we specialize in treatment as well. Whether you’re talking about the effectiveness of the treatments or the possible side effects arising from the treatments, our treatments are much better than those of the Priests. Don’t just look at how convenient their Holy Light is. It actually consumes the person’s life force and shortens their lifespan. Our art of biological re-engineering is toxic-free, harm-free, pollution-free, and best of all, we solve the root of the problem at one go.”
“…Then why are you depending on the System to revive yourself? Why don’t you just make a body for yourself?”
“I don’t want to be a deformed monster with 3 hands and 6 legs. Even if it is a perfect humanoid shape, problems will occur sooner or later…”
Seeing the low level of confidence that the lich himself had in his biological re-engineering skills, what else could Elisa say?
“Fine, then in your eyes, how do I fare?”
…A cold-faced demonic old granny? An A-cup young lady? Of course, I wouldn’t be so dumb to voice these words out loud.
“Oh, Elisa, you are of course my most trusted subordinate. We once made a promise to fulfill our dream of conquering the stars.”
“Before you realize your dreams in the stars, shouldn’t you first pay this poor lonely girl her salary, which you have owed for over ten years?”
Knowing that her master’s illness was acting up once again, the silver-haired half-demon propped up her glasses, a cold gleam shining on the surface of the spectacles as cold words spat out from between her teeth.
“If you continue to be so flippant, I guess your treasured collections are going to…”
“Fine, Elisa, I apologize.” Worried about his precious collections, a certain lich immediately surrendered.
“Hmph.” Succeeding in subduing her superior, the fallen angel hummed a tune as she sashayed out the door.
As the housekeeper of the mansion, she did not have the luxury to waste time on her chuunibyou master.
However, as I stared at her dejected back, my mood took a dive.
A moment after she walked out the door, memories started to flood my mind, and I mumbled to myself.
“…I guess, grudgingly, she can be considered family. I still remember the girl who, even under the worst conditions, even when she was floating in the River Styx, persevered on and refused to give up. She is also the girl who hunted in the night of a blizzard just to stay alive. You are probably the best thing this world has given me and bringing you back is the best decision I ever made in my life.”
Suddenly, a face popped out from behind the door.
Its usual coldness was tainted by an emerging bright-red color, which spread to her long, trembling ears.
After which, she disappeared behind the door once again.
“Hehe! Although you know me well, do you think I wouldn’t understand you as well? You foolish evil granny. Even if you are sly, you still have to repay the debt you owe me obediently until your death.”
I spoke these harsh words out loud and laughed maniacally. However, in my heart, I panicked.
“… She heard it! She definitely heard it!!!”
Note:
1. “Golden Ring” is a term commonly used in games and novels to refer to cheat-like abilities or certain unfair advantages.
2. There is a net rumor that says if a guy remains single for 30 years, he will become a wizard.
3. She is referring to herself in third person.
4. The ‘go-anywhere door’ is similar to the one Doraemon uses to travel around.
5. ‘Disaster of Veron’ may be a reference to some DND, but I’m not really sure of the exact translation.
6. Chuunibyou refers to people who are caught up in their fantasies, like ‘I have a sealed cursed hand and if released it will destroy the whole world’ etc. That isn’t from me.