the experimental log of the crazy lich
Translator: StarveCleric Editor: StarveCleric
“Voke, half-elf half-beastman, Bronze-ranked assassin. The lives lost under his hands are countless, and his favorite hobby is hunting down children. He was captured by an operation carried out by the dark elves of Sulfur Mountain City, and was sentenced to imprisonment for 376 years, never to be let out his entire life. Tsk-tsk.”
While reading the information, I tsked in fascination at the half-elf assassin in the cage. Half-beastmen were a rarely seen breed. For the other half to be their mortal enemy, the elves, it made his breed even rarer.
“Lich? Wait, don’t kill me! Don’t use me for your experiments, too! You must have a lot of enemies; I can help you get rid of them!”
After realizing that he was sent to the lich, Volk was initially stunned because even the weakest of the liches was at least a Legend. Then, he soon felt at ease as liches belonged to the Chaos Faction, similar to him. At the very least, they were easier to deal with than those full-of-justice dumb-headed Holy Knights. Those hypocrites of the Order Faction never understood the wonders of making deals and compromising.
But, at this moment, I stared at him, smirking. I didn’t bring him over from Sulfur Mountain City’s prison to get an underling.
I placed a withered bony finger on the forehead of the half-elf. Even though he was an unforgivable serial killer who had committed great atrocities, the warmth of the living still brought one comfort.
It was only that the other party’s face didn’t look very good. Perhaps he had heard of the legends of liches playing with people’s souls and corpses. Under the icy touch of the white bones, his face whitened drastically.
“…Really interesting. I thought that you were just a serial killer. To actually be a hidden blood flesh ritual-doer, a worshipper of the filthy demons. You used the life of young children and made deals with the devils from hell for strength and an extended lifespan.”
As expected, when I said those words, the dirty memories hidden in his subconscious started to float out, and following it was the memory he feared the most.
“Tell me, interesting fellow. Tell me what you are afraid of the most.”
The human brain was extremely interesting. The more you tried not to think about something, the more your subconscious would think about the matter.
The 4-circle Memory Reading spell wasn’t a very complicated spell, but it wasn’t a very useful ability, either. True secrets were always hidden in the depths of the mind, and the Memory Reading spell could only see what was on the surface.
I, however, had my special way of doing things.
By asking “what secrets are you hiding,” the person in question would tend to subconsciously think about what he had to hide, and in that instant, all his secrets would float to the surface, allowing my Memory Reading spell to access them.
“…The thing you fear the most is your true identity getting exposed? I see. Then, what is your true identity?”
“Chrome City’s spy? Wow, that is really interesting.” After a series of questions, his hidden motives became clear.
My luck wasn’t bad today. Initially, I had only wanted to change 2 of my prisoners to increase my Evil Points, but after a bit of questioning, I actually found out that he was a spy sent by other cities.
Underground City Chrometaxo was probably the closest city to Sulfur Mountain City. But, compared to the prosperous Sulfur Mountain, its population is significantly smaller.
The city was mainly dominated by the beastmen and gray dwarves. The City Lord was a dumb beastman who believed in the God of Tyrants Ban. The city’s mining industry was quite advanced, but their other industries weren’t looking that good.
This spy was recruited while he was in Chrome City. His mission was the most basic of all— collecting information. But, this was sufficient to prove that Chrome City was up to something.
“Elisa?”
“Hm?” The elusive headmaid appeared behind my back the next second.
“Interrogate him seriously. Find out all of his secrets and send Margaret a copy of the report. Tell her that if she doesn’t intend to bother with it, I will dump this task on Adam.”
In my mind, catching a spy = a dark hidden secret = an ambition of a certain influential figure = a series of troubles… which was equivalent to unpaid volunteer work!
Since there were no benefits to be derived from working on it, I didn’t want to interfere in such a bothersome matter. Since I managed to stumble upon it, let me just dump it on someone who might be interested. The Head of Internal Affairs, the Great Saint Margaret, would follow the clues and unravel the fabric of truth.
As for the criminal? Before he was even sent to me, he was already deemed to be guilty of unpardonable crimes. Now that he was here, he didn’t have to dream about leaving.
“Bam!”
Following two thunderous rumblings, my entire dwelling trembled slightly. Dust was shaken off the ceiling, floating in the stale air of the underground prison.
The prisoners coughed violently in response, and even my bones were cloaked in a thick layer of ash. Elisa was well-prepared beforehand, and used a handkerchief to cover her mouth
“Looks like Ah Bao can’t wait any longer.”
This earthquake was created by my beloved Ah Bao. As it is way past the time for his usual walk and his master had yet to appear, he decided to jump about as a way to ask me to hurry up.
Thus, I irresponsibly dumped all of the work on Elisa. It was the end of work time and the commencement of Ah Bao’s strolling time.
Or rather, should I say that now is the time when I get pulled about by my gigantic two-headed hellhound…
Just like other dumb dogs, right after leaving home, Ah Bao seemed to have forgotten the presence of his owner. He started dashing around everywhere joyfully. As the one holding the leash, my entire skeletal rack doesn’t weigh more than 15kg and my strength is a measly 5. Naturally, I ended up flying in the sky, pulled around by a 10-ton humongous beast.
Of course, after suffering several times under such circumstances and at a time like this, I would cast a floating spell on myself, tie the leash to the strongest bone on my skeleton, and act as a qualified kite…
Furthermore, this kind of strolling method had reaped me some unexpected benefits…
“The skull flag has risen; that big dog is coming! Everyone, keep your stores!”
“Where’s the Town Security? Call the Town Security!!”
“Everyone, buck up! Let’s build a defense line to protect our meat stores to our last breath. Today, don’t dream about snatching away my fresh rib bones!”
Alright, the me who was being dragged around in the air became the alarm for Ah Bao’s presence. To prevent themselves from getting injured by the raging dumb dog, all the booth owners within 2 streets started packing up their stores to get out of Ah Bao’s way.
“Go to the city’s East Undead area! That area shouldn’t be under the jurisdiction of the Town Security!”
Hearing their words, I immediately issued an order to Ah Bao and use all my strength to tug on the rope to get him to turn around.
On previous occasions when I brought Ah Bao out for a stroll, the most we caused was only chaos in the flow of traffic. We never hurt any people in the past. (skeleton soldiers aren’t considered to be people!)
Normally, the Town Security would have more important cases to deal with and after they were done with their current tasks, I would have been heading back home already. Yet now, as the final survivor of the Gentlemen Alliance, without the other members of our alliance creating trouble for them, I definitely would not underestimate the speed of their deployment and their determination to get rid of us.
“Woof!”
Under my directions, Ah Bao kicked away the tauren blocking the road and sat on the roadblock with his gigantic bottom, destroying it in the process. Then, he sprinted all the way to the city East, leaving dust in his wake.
“Hold it!!”
“Momo commands you to stay still! It was all because of you that Momo wet herself in front of Lord Wumianzhe yesterday!”
Fine, it looks like I still underestimated the other party’s determination to take me down. To think the Town Security would actually prepare an ambush.
But… “Jump, Ah Bao!”
The gigantic hellhound leaped into the air and flew past the obstacles in front of us.
The Town Security behind us stopped in their tracks, frustrated.
A 6-meter tall skeleton giant held the gold-plated city gates as a shield in front of them, blocking their path.
The empty sockets where his eyeball should have been didn’t show a hint of emotion, yet no one dared to bypass him.
We were already in the City East, the Undead District, and this plot of land wasn’t under the jurisdiction of the Town Security. If they wanted to carry out an arrest here, they would have to write a report and go about the proper procedures. But, by the time they were done with it, the lich would have been long gone from their sights.
I finally reached my destination for today. I sent Ah Bao away to look for food… cough, to play.
Afterwards, I greeted every single undead in front of me.
“Hi, long time no see, do you all miss me? Musclehead, your rotten flesh has become much smellier now. Smallbones, your skull is really shiny; which brand of oil are you using? Uncle Aca, your bones are getting rusty. Ah, why don’t you try the new lubricant I just created? It is made of natural ingredients, it’s environmentally friendly and has no side effects…”
But the undead, who were just pouncing around in front me, stood in daze after catching sight of me, and then…
“Run!! That lunatic is here again!! He scared the hell out of me!”
…It was such an upsetting sight to see everyone scatter in all directions.
The skeleton giant, carrying its own axe, jumped across the roof, while the Dullahans charged away with their heads in their arms. Even the pitiful skeleton warriors tried to slip away.
The sight in front of me was really depressing…
“Hey—hey—is that how you welcome your clansmen? I only used you all to experiment necromancy, do daily chores for me, and test out the might of my sacred sword…”
The more I said, the less confidence my words had. A familiar voice sounded out from my back.
“Your Majesty, you have already spoken of the reasons yourself so I shall not dwell on that any further. This time, is the reason for your visit that it is time for us to fight?”
“No, I’m a pacifist. Fighting and such stuff are things I hate the most. However, the time I promised is indeed about to come. So, is our army prepared and ready to go?”
“Of course, Your Majesty. Your army, no matter is it 376 years ago, 250 years ago, or 130 years ago—when have we let you down?! The remaining 24602 of the fallen Red Hunting Hounds have been sharpening their edges and grinding their teeth, awaiting the day for their deployment. We already can’t wait for the moment we return to the battlefield.” [1] 1
The fallen soldiers’ voices were filled with fighting spirit. My general, as expected, was still as reliable as he was in the past.
“Today, are you here to view the soldiers’ training or to overlook the experimentation of the new plague? Our alchemists have invented a new weapon. While possessing great destructive power…”
“No, I’ve already said that I’m a pacifist. Fighting and killing are meaningless to me. Today I’m here to view the preparation of that matter.”
“You are saying that dumb—no—you’re talking about that important matter? The preparations are complete and it’s ready to be activated anytime.”
I nodded, satisfied. Turning my head around, I noticed that there wasn’t a single person in sight.
“Woof! Woof! Below! Woof! Woof! Below, Your Majesty! You are doing it on purpose, aren’t you? Is teasing me fun? I am one of your strongest generals, you know!?”
Lowering my head, as expected, was my cute Little Bas. He was currently chasing his own tail and turning in circles by instinct.
He was Ah Bao’s elder brother, one of my most trusted generals in the past. Now, he was a cute skeleton puppy.
“I am not Little Bas! I am Bastian, the Demonic Spatial Hellhound Bastian!!”
“Yes, Ah Bas.”
“Bastian!! I am your general, you know! The vice-commander of your army who knows no defeat!”
“Alright, Little Bas, you don’t have to emphasize it that much. I have always thought that you were great—yup—and most important of all, you are very cute! Of course, pets are human’s best friend while little rascals are their worst enemies.”
Hearing my increasingly unreliable declaration and how the tone of my voice felt like I was coaxing a naughty little kid, Little Bas’s tail and eyebrows slumped down as he crouched on the floor, covering his face. He knew that when his master got into his crazy state, nothing he said would matter anymore.
A skeleton dog with a face of despair—I had finally managed to witness it today.
“Fine, I won’t tease you anymore. Little Bas, are the preparations all ready?”
“Anything that goes along with you. Although I’ve always thought that it was a terrible idea, and you have always been known for being unreliable, I will just take this as a play to humor you…”
“Cough!” A soft cough interrupted its complaints.
“Then, I, Lich Roland, hereby declare the opening of the new facility of Sulfur Mountain City Undead Tourism! The Undead Royale Theme Park is now up and functioning!!”
Yes, fighting and killing was meaningless. Nowadays, what was important was the economy; a livelihood for our citizens! Our Undead District must also venture into new industries, which, in this case, was an Undead Theme Park.
Dullahan Polo Competition, the Piecing-Together-A-Skeleton game, the Ghost Festival Dance Frenzy Competition and the Skeleton Dragon Sightseeing Tour around the entire Sulfur Mountain City. I had already prepared a series of popular activities for the theme park.
As for the thing spinning around behind me, it was the theme park’s greatest selling point—a gigantic Ferris Wheel created by piling up countless skeletons. Its height was a hulking 300m, and when it spun around, the eerie wind that followed it was similar to a dancing Black Dragon. Its overall size was reminiscent of the gigantic titans such that it could be seen even outside the city.
Previously, it took me much effort to convince the living that it wasn’t some kind of scary war weapon or some sinister plot… But, this was all worth it!
This Ferris Wheel was a living advertisement for the theme park. Soon, countless customers would be visiting the theme park, and riches would come flowing in.
At this moment, my skeleton retainers were dressed up as clowns and were playing music at the entrance as I patiently awaited the arrival of customers.
Unexpectedly, after half an hour, not a single tourist came forward. I turned to Ah Bas who was lying on my head.
“All the adverts were given out, right?”
“Given out long ago.”
“We already paid the goblins the advertisement fee, right?”
“Paid.”
“The safety assurance by the Supreme Court is written in the advert, right?”
“Of course, to think that you would be able to receive permission and a guarantee by the Supreme Court. Without this, I doubt anyone would dare to come.”
“Is my advertisement slogan not good enough?”
“No, it was extremely interesting and eye-catching. ‘View your own future and greet your future neighbors. Dance with the ghosts from the mirage and enjoy a unique experience. Free entry for the first 3 days and the first 100 customers will be entitled to a mysterious gift! Safety guaranteed! Great fun and joy guaranteed!'”
“Then why is no one coming!!”?
I stared at this dumb dog, but it simply smiled.
“Hoho! Master, have you forgotten that this is the Undead District, the forbidden zone for the living? What do you think, in the eyes of the living, we undead stand for?”
Hearing that, I was stunned for a moment. “What are the undead you speak of?”
Note:
1. Fallen -> He uses a phrase that means the remaining soldiers on the losing side of the war.