weak tuh you %F0%9F%87%AF%F0%9F%87%B2 18

Cornwall Courts housing scheme
May 3, 2023....Friday
Montego Bay,  St. James

I was at Jay's and Destiny's house right now bawling my eyes out. Poochie and Candice were here also.

Mi feel worst-a dan Alice bucket rn

Serious times Kristal

"It hurts so bad," I cried into Destiny's arms.

"You're gonna be okay baby girl," she said while rubbing my back.

They've been trying to calm me down for hours. I can't seem to stop crying.

My heart ached inside my chest and my spirit feels drained and empty.

"No I won't,"

I feel like I've lost everything

Nothing feels right

"We lef D, eh one good man wah cum ina mi life left because a nyam front Jason," I said.

"Mal cah lef uh eno Dimples," Poochie said

"He already did," I cried miserably.

My eyes hurts

My whole face

"Him did fih be the one wah nah go lef. Mi rock, mi neva have a partner like dhat and now mi lose him,"

"Uh wah we go fuck him up?" Candice asked

"No,"

"But him a hurt uh D," she said with tears in her eyes.

Right now a Jason mi wah murder

"I know but probably it's for the best-"

"Girl no say dhat,"

I closed my eyes and hugged Destiny tighter.

If I'm dreaming

Please wake me the fuck up.

"So how uh fih lef har bro?" Blacks asked and I ignored him.

I picked up the Hennessy and Skitta grabbed the bottle from my hand.

Wapm to deh man yah

"Uh oman deh a Jay yaad a bawl lakka hell and uh deh yah a drink out uh life like uh a duppy bat," he said and I looked away.

Way mi phone?

Mi need sumo stronger

"Mi no wah nobody way Jason did a fuck," I slurred while dragging my words.

"Dimples ano nobody or somebody dwagg. A uh wife dhat, uh baby, eh girl uh a plan fih propose to the moment she say she pregnant wid uh youth," Skitta said and I hissed.

I got up and push pass them.

"Uno com gwaan a uno yaad caz mi nah run dung Dimples. Mi say we lef and dhat a bloodclat dhat," I said drunkenly.

"Uno no see say issa drunk duppy bat we a chat tuh," Jay said.

"If mi fih line out shot ina uh face right now uh wid see if mi bloodclat drunk," I said with staggering.

Jay hissed his teeth and got up.

"Mi nah deal wid uh wen uh drunk eno," he said and I rolled my eyes.

"Mi neva call uno yah eno,"

"A Abby call we and she nah lef yah," he said

"Mi a bring Abby home. Har pa cum-"

"Mi nah lef,"

I turned around and saw Abby. "Uncle please," she said.

Tears strains on her red cheeks. She walked towards me before hugging me.

"I know you're hurting but please mi no wah go weh. Mi no care if daddy cum back. Please Uncle Mal,"

"Alright," I said and she pulled away.

"Uh nah send mi way?"

"No," I said before hugging her.

We pulled away and she wiped her tears.

"Why Dimples lef?" she asked

"Wah next time we talk bout dhat-"

"Tell har, she big enough if cah understand say a fuckry uh a do," Blacks said.

"Mi nah put mi pitney ina fuckry. Abby gwaan upstairs," I said and she looked at Jay who nods.

"Dash way dis first Abby," Skitta said before handing her the Hennessy bottle.

"Pussy uh think a piss mi piss ina dhat. Gimi mi things and nuh ramp wid mi-"

Abby took the bottle and run out.

I'm not angry

I'm in pain

"Dimples deh a mi yaad. It no too late-"

"Mi nuh care Jay! Stop call har name mek mi hear. Bomboclatt! how uh wud'n feel if Destiny neva know say we a bredda. She deh wid mi from she eighteen. Mi breed har twice then mi go a prison. Uh cum years after and she see uh and deh wid uh caz uh look like bloodclat mi," I said and no one said anything.

"Uno think mi nah fucking hurt tuh. Mi a bloodclat human! A blood ina mi and not bloodclat coconut wata or sugar and wata," I said

"Mi feel use, mi confuse dwag. She love because a mi or because mi turn out fih be a betta version a mi bredda?" I said

"Uh think it feel good fih know who bredda did a fuck uh oman once upon a bloodclat time. Uh wah Jason ago a turn to har and say? "Mi a first and foreva"

"Mi cut up and uno cum ina like mi no have bloodclat feelings. Mi hurt bredda! Uno think mi did bloodclat buy ring fih pudung as pussyclat souvenir? Mi love Kristal and mi nah go round no corner. Mi love har but dis nah work. Mi cah have mi woman and know say when she a look pan mi. She a see Jason," I said and that's when my tears came.

"Bomboclatt dwagg," Skitta said as they walked towards me.

I wiped away my tears harshly but they kept coming.

Skitta hugged me and soon it became a group hug.

Mi tun Silkboss ina dis

Fimi heart hurt mi

She end up hurt mi.....

"Bredda man bawl tuh eno. Bawl bredda we have uh back," Blacks said

August 17, 2023
Canada, Toronto

Farrin mi bloodclat deh when mi a dem yah age yah

"Dimples if uh no cum a mi baby shower and gender reveal mi no wah uh call mi when mi have him eno," Dimples cursed.

"Okay okay I'll be there plus I have to come back to Jamaica after my six months visit is over," I promised and she smiled.

"Yay,"

"Plus I wouldn't miss that special moment for the world,"

"I love you,"

"I love you more," I said with a smile

"How are you?"

"I'm-um,"

I looked up into the ceiling as I tried not to cry.

I miss him

Today is his birthday

"I'm okay," I said

"I know you aren't but that's okay," she said and I nod.

"I miss him," I said

"Him miss you tuh eno?"

"No," I said while shaking my head.

"Dimples-"

"How's Jay and Abby?"

"Abby gone ina grade ten, she nah lef har uncle side and she misses you,"

Abby one uncle Mal

There bond is so much like a father and daughter relationship.

"I miss her too. I'll call her later," I said and she nods.

"Jay alright, a yesterday him did a ask bout you eno," she said and I smiled.

"Bomboclatt," she said, her face twisted in pain.

"A wah?" I asked, alerted.

"Destiny?"

"Nobody caz tell mi ano boy mi a have," she said

I calmed down a bit when she smiled and looked into the camera.

"Mi no know who and him a play football ina mi belly," she said and I smiled.

"Jay Jay uh a hurt mommy," she said while rubbing her tummy.

"I think I'm gonna adopt," I said after awhile.

"Fi real?"

"Yeah. Mi dun wid man and to get a sperm donor is probably costy plus I don't want to put my self and body through trauma if I lost it," I said and she gave me a sad smile.

"Everything ago alright Kristal,"

"I know," I said before her door opened in her background.

"Uncle Mal deh yah," he announced.

His voice

I haven't heard it in mont

Seems like I'm the only one hurting because he sounds pretty good to me

Maybe I wasn't special to him after all

"Um Sinna-"

"Destiny I'm gonna go. I'll call you back later. Love you bye,"

"No wait-"

I hung up before I could stop myself.

•••

I scrolled through my instagram to see that a few persons I knew posted Malachi for his birthday.

Skitta went crazy with the embarrassing videos and pictures.

Soon I placed my phone down and let oyt a sigh.

Don't cry

My room door opened and the light from the hall away came into the dark gloomy room.

I blinked a couple times before pulling my pillow and sheet closer.

"Dimples?"

"Yes Tina shay?" I answered.

"I'm just checking on you," she said and I hummed.

"Can we talk?"

"Now?"

"Dimples uh deh yah from May and now a August. You cah talk to me now?"

"I do talk to you,"

"Dimples," she said in a weak tone.

"Good morning and goodnight isn't really talking to me," she said

I sat up and she turned on the lights

But see yah she wah blind mi

I covered my eyes until I got use to the light. My eyes are probably red right now.

"Okay fine. What do you want to talk about? The time when uh left me in Jamaica or the time uh slap me or the time-"

"Kristal I'm sorry," she said

"Mi too,"

I'm sorry I came here

But I had no where else to go

"I really am sorry Kristal. I regret leaving my baby girl. I regret not being their for you. I don't deserve your forgiveness but I'm begging for it," she said with tears in her eyes.

"You're sad and it pains my heart," she added and I looked away.

She came closer to me before getting on her knees.

"Dimples I'm sorry,"

"Tina get up-"

"I'm sorry," she said and I stared into her teary eyes.

"If mi say mi forgive uh. Uh ago get up?"

"Kristal mi want uh really forgive me,"

"I can't," I said.

"I can't forgive you because I can't let anyone in again. As a likkle gyal mi ina too much pain and if neva strong mi would mad out as what Valiant say," I said and my voice cracked.

"My poor baby," she said while cupping my cheeks.

"Come here," she said while pulling me into her embrace.

I left the bed and accompanied her on the ground. I was in tears again for one hundred time this month.

These months and days all feel the same.

Dark, gloomy, misery and sadness

Soon I pulled away and she placed her hand above my heart.

"What's really going on the there,"

"I'm broken mom,"

"I needed my mom. I needed you and you weren't there," I cried.

"I'm so sorry," she said before bitting her trembling bottom lip.

She pulls me into a another hugged and I cried. My chest aches, my whole body aches.

It feels like I'm dying

"I need him and he's not here,"

"Who's he?"

"It doesn't matter," I said and she hugged me tighter.

••••

October 1st, 2023
Canada, Toronto

"Hey girls she's back," I smiled and the girls squealed.

I'm on a journey

A self love and healing journey

"That's my motherfucking bestfriend!" Poochie yelled and I smiled.

"Look how the lady look good and fat,"

"Yow mi get fat yf," I said.

"We can see dhat, catch batty," Candice said and I shake my ass.

"Alright bestfriend," Destiny said and I laughed.

"Uh know uno ago mek mi miss mi flight," I said and they laughed.

"Alright hurry up,"

Sangster International Airport
Montego Bay, St. James

Mi say one piece a excitement pudung ina di ppl dem airport when mi reach and see mi gyal dem

The only person missing was Destiny.

We entered Blacks car and he brought us to Cornwall Courts. After settling in my room we started helping in the preparation for the baby shower.

"I went to the gym there and my trainer. Oh my god french kisses to his guy ass,"

Wait dhat sound wrong

"Fix up dhat babes," Poochie said and we laughed.

We were setting up the who sits where for tomorrow nights dinner at the baby shower and gender reveal party.

I picked up a few cards with names and set them up.

Poochie ago deh beside Blacks and Skitta. Candice ago deh next to Skitta. Destiny and Jay. Malachi and -.

"Way Malachi girlfriend name?" I asked

Yup girl

Him find him self a Spanish gyal

"I don't know," Destiny said

"I forgot since it wasn't important,"

"Same," Candice said with a shrug.

"Guys stop please. Him move on so what? We a big people," I said and they kissed.

"Musi Kristina," Destiny said

"Uh know har name-"

"No comments babe," I said and Poochie hissed.

After we were down we got something to eat then went to our rooms.

•••

"Wear pink," Candice said

"A one pink dress mi have and it no fit fih dis yah occasion," I said while showing them.

"Uh go change after. We just wah fuck up dem medz," Poochie said.

"Wikidness," I said before going to change.

Candice

Poochie

We went downstairs and the girl when yo the backyard.

I walked to the kitchen and entered the room. In the kitchen was a man and woman.

"I love you,"

"Say it ina Spanish," Malachi said

"Te amo," she said

Malachi leaned in and kissed her. I tried stepping back bout I hit into something that fell to the ground.

They pulled away and I looked away before they looked at me.

I picked up the jug of juice and placed it back on the counter. I went the fridge and grabbed a bottled water before leaving the room.

She picked up the jug with her head high and chin up. A smile threatened to take over as I took notice of her beautiful figure.

My eyes were now glued to her perfect figure and pretty face.

Bomboclatt

I watched her as she got what she needed and left the room.

I found my heart racing and everything came back like they never left.

"Babe?" Kristina said but my brains and ears blocked her out.

I released Kristina and walked to the door as I watch Kristal receding form.

Just then she turns around and looked at me. Her eyes locked and she bumped into someone. She turned around and- wah eh fuck him a do yah.

He wraps his arm around her small waist and she jumped into his arms. I grabbed the door knob and slammed the door closed.

"Baby what's wrong?"

"Not now," I said in annoyance.

I walked through the other door and entered the backyard space.

Rn mi no wah lef yah suh

~~~

Cornwall Courts housing scheme
May 3, 2023....Friday
Montego Bay,  St. James

I was at Jay's and Destiny's house right now bawling my eyes out. Poochie and Candice were here also.

Mi feel worst-a dan Alice bucket rn

Serious times Kristal

"It hurts so bad," I cried into Destiny's arms.

"You're gonna be okay baby girl," she said while rubbing my back.

They've been trying to calm me down for hours. I can't seem to stop crying.

My heart ached inside my chest and my spirit feels drained and empty.

"No I won't,"

I feel like I've lost everything

Nothing feels right

"We lef D, eh one good man wah cum ina mi life left because a nyam front Jason," I said.

"Mal cah lef uh eno Dimples," Poochie said

"He already did," I cried miserably.

My eyes hurts

My whole face

"Him did fih be the one wah nah go lef. Mi rock, mi neva have a partner like dhat and now mi lose him,"

"Uh wah we go fuck him up?" Candice asked

"No,"

"But him a hurt uh D," she said with tears in her eyes.

Right now a Jason mi wah murder

"I know but probably it's for the best-"

"Girl no say dhat,"

I closed my eyes and hugged Destiny tighter.

If I'm dreaming

Please wake me the fuck up.

"So how uh fih lef har bro?" Blacks asked and I ignored him.

I picked up the Hennessy and Skitta grabbed the bottle from my hand.

Wapm to deh man yah

"Uh oman deh a Jay yaad a bawl lakka hell and uh deh yah a drink out uh life like uh a duppy bat," he said and I looked away.

Way mi phone?

Mi need sumo stronger

"Mi no wah nobody way Jason did a fuck," I slurred while dragging my words.

"Dimples ano nobody or somebody dwagg. A uh wife dhat, uh baby, eh girl uh a plan fih propose to the moment she say she pregnant wid uh youth," Skitta said and I hissed.

I got up and push pass them.

"Uno com gwaan a uno yaad caz mi nah run dung Dimples. Mi say we lef and dhat a bloodclat dhat," I said drunkenly.

"Uno no see say issa drunk duppy bat we a chat tuh," Jay said.

"If mi fih line out shot ina uh face right now uh wid see if mi bloodclat drunk," I said with staggering.

Jay hissed his teeth and got up.

"Mi nah deal wid uh wen uh drunk eno," he said and I rolled my eyes.

"Mi neva call uno yah eno,"

"A Abby call we and she nah lef yah," he said

"Mi a bring Abby home. Har pa cum-"

"Mi nah lef,"

I turned around and saw Abby. "Uncle please," she said.

Tears strains on her red cheeks. She walked towards me before hugging me.

"I know you're hurting but please mi no wah go weh. Mi no care if daddy cum back. Please Uncle Mal,"

"Alright," I said and she pulled away.

"Uh nah send mi way?"

"No," I said before hugging her.

We pulled away and she wiped her tears.

"Why Dimples lef?" she asked

"Wah next time we talk bout dhat-"

"Tell har, she big enough if cah understand say a fuckry uh a do," Blacks said.

"Mi nah put mi pitney ina fuckry. Abby gwaan upstairs," I said and she looked at Jay who nods.

"Dash way dis first Abby," Skitta said before handing her the Hennessy bottle.

"Pussy uh think a piss mi piss ina dhat. Gimi mi things and nuh ramp wid mi-"

Abby took the bottle and run out.

I'm not angry

I'm in pain

"Dimples deh a mi yaad. It no too late-"

"Mi nuh care Jay! Stop call har name mek mi hear. Bomboclatt! how uh wud'n feel if Destiny neva know say we a bredda. She deh wid mi from she eighteen. Mi breed har twice then mi go a prison. Uh cum years after and she see uh and deh wid uh caz uh look like bloodclat mi," I said and no one said anything.

"Uno think mi nah fucking hurt tuh. Mi a bloodclat human! A blood ina mi and not bloodclat coconut wata or sugar and wata," I said

"Mi feel use, mi confuse dwag. She love because a mi or because mi turn out fih be a betta version a mi bredda?" I said

"Uh think it feel good fih know who bredda did a fuck uh oman once upon a bloodclat time. Uh wah Jason ago a turn to har and say? "Mi a first and foreva"

"Mi cut up and uno cum ina like mi no have bloodclat feelings. Mi hurt bredda! Uno think mi did bloodclat buy ring fih pudung as pussyclat souvenir? Mi love Kristal and mi nah go round no corner. Mi love har but dis nah work. Mi cah have mi woman and know say when she a look pan mi. She a see Jason," I said and that's when my tears came.

"Bomboclatt dwagg," Skitta said as they walked towards me.

I wiped away my tears harshly but they kept coming.

Skitta hugged me and soon it became a group hug.

Mi tun Silkboss ina dis

Fimi heart hurt mi

She end up hurt mi.....

"Bredda man bawl tuh eno. Bawl bredda we have uh back," Blacks said

August 17, 2023
Canada, Toronto

Farrin mi bloodclat deh when mi a dem yah age yah

"Dimples if uh no cum a mi baby shower and gender reveal mi no wah uh call mi when mi have him eno," Dimples cursed.

"Okay okay I'll be there plus I have to come back to Jamaica after my six months visit is over," I promised and she smiled.

"Yay,"

"Plus I wouldn't miss that special moment for the world,"

"I love you,"

"I love you more," I said with a smile

"How are you?"

"I'm-um,"

I looked up into the ceiling as I tried not to cry.

I miss him

Today is his birthday

"I'm okay," I said

"I know you aren't but that's okay," she said and I nod.

"I miss him," I said

"Him miss you tuh eno?"

"No," I said while shaking my head.

"Dimples-"

"How's Jay and Abby?"

"Abby gone ina grade ten, she nah lef har uncle side and she misses you,"

Abby one uncle Mal

There bond is so much like a father and daughter relationship.

"I miss her too. I'll call her later," I said and she nods.

"Jay alright, a yesterday him did a ask bout you eno," she said and I smiled.

"Bomboclatt," she said, her face twisted in pain.

"A wah?" I asked, alerted.

"Destiny?"

"Nobody caz tell mi ano boy mi a have," she said

I calmed down a bit when she smiled and looked into the camera.

"Mi no know who and him a play football ina mi belly," she said and I smiled.

"Jay Jay uh a hurt mommy," she said while rubbing her tummy.

"I think I'm gonna adopt," I said after awhile.

"Fi real?"

"Yeah. Mi dun wid man and to get a sperm donor is probably costy plus I don't want to put my self and body through trauma if I lost it," I said and she gave me a sad smile.

"Everything ago alright Kristal,"

"I know," I said before her door opened in her background.

"Uncle Mal deh yah," he announced.

His voice

I haven't heard it in mont

Seems like I'm the only one hurting because he sounds pretty good to me

Maybe I wasn't special to him after all

"Um Sinna-"

"Destiny I'm gonna go. I'll call you back later. Love you bye,"

"No wait-"

I hung up before I could stop myself.

•••

I scrolled through my instagram to see that a few persons I knew posted Malachi for his birthday.

Skitta went crazy with the embarrassing videos and pictures.

Soon I placed my phone down and let oyt a sigh.

Don't cry

My room door opened and the light from the hall away came into the dark gloomy room.

I blinked a couple times before pulling my pillow and sheet closer.

"Dimples?"

"Yes Tina shay?" I answered.

"I'm just checking on you," she said and I hummed.

"Can we talk?"

"Now?"

"Dimples uh deh yah from May and now a August. You cah talk to me now?"

"I do talk to you,"

"Dimples," she said in a weak tone.

"Good morning and goodnight isn't really talking to me," she said

I sat up and she turned on the lights

But see yah she wah blind mi

I covered my eyes until I got use to the light. My eyes are probably red right now.

"Okay fine. What do you want to talk about? The time when uh left me in Jamaica or the time uh slap me or the time-"

"Kristal I'm sorry," she said

"Mi too,"

I'm sorry I came here

But I had no where else to go

"I really am sorry Kristal. I regret leaving my baby girl. I regret not being their for you. I don't deserve your forgiveness but I'm begging for it," she said with tears in her eyes.

"You're sad and it pains my heart," she added and I looked away.

She came closer to me before getting on her knees.

"Dimples I'm sorry,"

"Tina get up-"

"I'm sorry," she said and I stared into her teary eyes.

"If mi say mi forgive uh. Uh ago get up?"

"Kristal mi want uh really forgive me,"

"I can't," I said.

"I can't forgive you because I can't let anyone in again. As a likkle gyal mi ina too much pain and if neva strong mi would mad out as what Valiant say," I said and my voice cracked.

"My poor baby," she said while cupping my cheeks.

"Come here," she said while pulling me into her embrace.

I left the bed and accompanied her on the ground. I was in tears again for one hundred time this month.

These months and days all feel the same.

Dark, gloomy, misery and sadness

Soon I pulled away and she placed her hand above my heart.

"What's really going on the there,"

"I'm broken mom,"

"I needed my mom. I needed you and you weren't there," I cried.

"I'm so sorry," she said before bitting her trembling bottom lip.

She pulls me into a another hugged and I cried. My chest aches, my whole body aches.

It feels like I'm dying

"I need him and he's not here,"

"Who's he?"

"It doesn't matter," I said and she hugged me tighter.

••••

October 1st, 2023
Canada, Toronto

"Hey girls she's back," I smiled and the girls squealed.

I'm on a journey

A self love and healing journey

"That's my motherfucking bestfriend!" Poochie yelled and I smiled.

"Look how the lady look good and fat,"

"Yow mi get fat yf," I said.

"We can see dhat, catch batty," Candice said and I shake my ass.

"Alright bestfriend," Destiny said and I laughed.

"Uh know uno ago mek mi miss mi flight," I said and they laughed.

"Alright hurry up,"

Sangster International Airport
Montego Bay, St. James

Mi say one piece a excitement pudung ina di ppl dem airport when mi reach and see mi gyal dem

The only person missing was Destiny.

We entered Blacks car and he brought us to Cornwall Courts. After settling in my room we started helping in the preparation for the baby shower.

"I went to the gym there and my trainer. Oh my god french kisses to his guy ass,"

Wait dhat sound wrong

"Fix up dhat babes," Poochie said and we laughed.

We were setting up the who sits where for tomorrow nights dinner at the baby shower and gender reveal party.

I picked up a few cards with names and set them up.

Poochie ago deh beside Blacks and Skitta. Candice ago deh next to Skitta. Destiny and Jay. Malachi and -.

"Way Malachi girlfriend name?" I asked

Yup girl

Him find him self a Spanish gyal

"I don't know," Destiny said

"I forgot since it wasn't important,"

"Same," Candice said with a shrug.

"Guys stop please. Him move on so what? We a big people," I said and they kissed.

"Musi Kristina," Destiny said

"Uh know har name-"

"No comments babe," I said and Poochie hissed.

After we were down we got something to eat then went to our rooms.

•••

"Wear pink," Candice said

"A one pink dress mi have and it no fit fih dis yah occasion," I said while showing them.

"Uh go change after. We just wah fuck up dem medz," Poochie said.

"Wikidness," I said before going to change.

Candice

Poochie

We went downstairs and the girl when yo the backyard.

I walked to the kitchen and entered the room. In the kitchen was a man and woman.

"I love you,"

"Say it ina Spanish," Malachi said

"Te amo," she said

Malachi leaned in and kissed her. I tried stepping back bout I hit into something that fell to the ground.

They pulled away and I looked away before they looked at me.

I picked up the jug of juice and placed it back on the counter. I went the fridge and grabbed a bottled water before leaving the room.

She picked up the jug with her head high and chin up. A smile threatened to take over as I took notice of her beautiful figure.

My eyes were now glued to her perfect figure and pretty face.

Bomboclatt

I watched her as she got what she needed and left the room.

I found my heart racing and everything came back like they never left.

"Babe?" Kristina said but my brains and ears blocked her out.

I released Kristina and walked to the door as I watch Kristal receding form.

Just then she turns around and looked at me. Her eyes locked and she bumped into someone. She turned around and- wah eh fuck him a do yah.

He wraps his arm around her small waist and she jumped into his arms. I grabbed the door knob and slammed the door closed.

"Baby what's wrong?"

"Not now," I said in annoyance.

I walked through the other door and entered the backyard space.

Rn mi no wah lef yah suh

~~~